Recently I ran across an article, ” 9 signs your friend is Toxic”. I’d venture to say that most women would find it’s something they can relate to.
The author gives a brief introduction on why we gather friends and what happens when the friendship goes sour. There are nine examples of recognizing toxic behavior in a friend and what can go wrong. Lastly she gives a suggested scenario for approaching your friend to explain your feeling about the relationship to try to improve it. The summary asks if there’s a 10th sign of a toxic friend?
I’m sure there are a lot more than 10 signs. I’m going to share an example of my own experience with a former friend. My advice is actually quite simple; stop and honestly assess your relationship. Ask yourself this question. Before I put a lot of effort into repairing and salvaging the friendship; does my friend demonstrate having the same commitment to our friendship, or is it more one sided? If the answer is, not really; then unless you like hopeless causes, is it productive to try to repair or is it more sensible to just move on?
About a year and a half ago, I moved on after severing ties with a friend I had known many years. After years of a cumulative stream of negative behavior, I was worn out from the constant drama in her life and her lack of desire to make changes.
The final straw was her rage because a mutual friend and I became better acquainted and she felt threatened. She claimed it made her uncomfortable; even referring to the friendship as a triangle.
It felt like I was back in middle school. I tried to placate her and reassure her explaining that the friendship wouldn’t disrupt anything and it didn’t affect our mutual friendship but she wasn’t having any of it. She preferred having her own way despite the consequences of alienating both of us, rather than trying to see our point and squelching her own misplaced insecurity.
Throughout the friendship there had been good times but also lots of not such great times. For example, she apparently liked embarrassing me in public, inappropriately talking about my personal life in social situations with people I barely knew. Then there was the social climbing, and artificial posing and it felt like she wasn’t happy unless she was upstaging me. Finally there was me always capitulating to her terms with arranging any events. It got to the point where I felt like I couldn’t deal with her controlling everything and I was tired of her disparaging behavior and constant emotional upheavals and traumas.
I knew that there was no where else the relationship could go. It had come to an end and like a garden after harvesting needed to be plowed under and the soil needed to rest so it could be ready for a new season.
I moved on and just let it go. I felt so much freedom and relief from the hassles and the constant drama. In pursuing my own interests I continue to expand my circle to include new friends and new activities.
I try not to give a lot of thought to my former “toxic” friend, wishing her the best in her life. I’m quite sure she still has a lot of issues. Since it no longer involves me I don’t worry about it. I suppose I get a little comfort from being pretty sure she regrets her hasty rash behavior and alienating me to the point of driving me away for good.
I find that when we try to over complicate things we miss our own inner voice which is there to trying to help us read the signs. When we do recognize what we don’t want in our lives we can identify the things we do want and attract them instead.
After you’ve read through the comments, please feel free to post your comments on your own experiences and share your perspective.
You can read the article here:9 Signs Your Friend Is Toxic.
It’s now the 2009 Holiday’s and I still see that this article is getting read and searched for. This can be an emotional time of the year, especially if dealing with toxic behavior from friends or family. I’ve decided to add another link on the syndrome of toxic friendship and I’m happy to include it now.
Web MD, Toxic Friends: Less Friend More Foe
Great entry! Good way to look at it.
I have been dealing with a friend just like yours, it pains me to say that our relationship has gone beyond repair. Unfortunately, I will be loosing her parents as friends as well. I am completely heart broken.
I’m truly sorry for your heartache. Here are some steps you can consider to alleviate the pain and find that there are other people like you who want to make new connections and might just be the ticket to forming new friends and having fun without all the drama.
One of the starting points in helping you resolve your aching heart is to make a list of what you don’t want in a friendship.
“What I don’t want” Write down a long list of traits, behavior, actions, etc that you consider negative and that you want to avoid. Try to get as much written down as possible. Once you’re done you can create a new list. This is your contrast list, “What I do want” The first list show you want you do not want. It will provide you with the examples and describe for you clearly your dislikes and deal breakers.
The second list will be the way you contrast and identify what you really want and are seeking to attract to you. It’s a lot easier to make the second list once you can see what you don’t want. It really helps to do this exercise and it is a great way of honoring yourself and your self respect. You’ll arm yourself with what you really want and the knowledge of how to recognize unacceptable behavior in the future.
Look for new connections in your own vicinity. Resolve to move on. Try looking at groups that already exist. I don’t know where you live but Meetup groups usually have women power groups or girl friendships, which are ladies looking to find new ladies to be friends with. Activities probably include, walks, potlucks, going out, and all the normal friendship activities. Here’s a link, http://www.meetup.com/find/
Also look for other friend groups through Yahoo, Community Centers, Facebook; if you look you’ll find something. You could also be the organizer of your own group.
I stuck through my friendship for years beyond what was smart or healthy because I was easy for my friend to manipulate and sometimes she would do something that made me feel she was a true friend. Invariably, she always followed up with actions that were high drama, caused me regret and pain and really wasted my time and energy.
Good luck to you and may your new friendships be healthy and rewarding.
Thanks for the advice!